


Paint my Insides With the Rainbow

by Cas_203



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Louis, Coming Out, Denial, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Modest! Management, Pansexual Harry, a little bit, closeting, larry stylinson - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-20
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2019-02-16 19:48:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13060932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cas_203/pseuds/Cas_203
Summary: He lived under the shade, for a while, because he didn't want to be burned by the sun.Or: How Harry, despite everyone and everything telling him not to, gave Louis his heart.





	Paint my Insides With the Rainbow

**Author's Note:**

> The idea came on a night filled with tears and a very strong need to somehow be seen, hence the pansexual Harry. It finished tonight, with no tears and satisfaction and a hope that, maybe, some of you will enjoy this.
> 
> I don't own One Direction or any of the boys, and I don't know any personal details about them. They could be part of the lgbtq+ community, and they could not. Harry has said he doesn't like labels, and Louis has never said he's not anything, so I'm not assuming- I'm just taking the idea of these guys in these roles, you could say. I love the boys whatever they are.

_You're forbidden_

_That's Fine_

_Unless Your 'forbidden'_

_Causes Burning Lies_

_You Can't Fall_

_That's Fine_

_Unless Not Falling_

_Involves breaking Skies_

 

It's a moment, despite what people think. Always, _always,_ a moment. There aren't multiple pages, multiple ingredients that slowly build up into an  _'I think I might be a little bit in love with you, if that's alright.'_ It's more like bolts of lightning, striking suddenly and catching him off guard.

It's the way Louis' hair would suddenly seem like the ocean and the ocean would suddenly seem like the desert and the desert would suddenly seem like quicksand, and then everything would be mixed up because Harry knew he'd be dead the second he let himself touch it, but he would be too enraptured- too mesmerised- by it's beauty to back away.

It's the way Louis would smile, mouth quirking up (quite adorably) and painting a picture begging to be framed- or, maybe, it's the way he would laugh, his eyes crinkling and mirth dancing in his irises like ballerinas refusing to be held back, and Harry would wonder if the ballerinas would ever tire, if their legs would someday snap and break and bleed.

It's the way Louis would speak; his voice held a hint of something unattainable, and, yet, it was the most inviting he had ever heard.  His hands would be fiddling with themselves on his lap as if the fingers on his right were turning clock hands on his left and his body would be turned towards Harry, leaning in.

Harry knew he couldn't. He knew he couldn't kiss him and he couldn't be kissed by him; he knew he couldn't hold him and he couldn't be held by him; he knew he couldn't _love_ him and he couldn't be loved _by_ him. Harry knew he couldn't.

He wasn't stupid.

Their management had told them at their second meeting together, at a time where they were new at being brothers and new at entertaining the possibility of being something more than that, that  _"The music industry is big, boys, and you have got to make it bigger. The only way to do that is to sell more of what's already selling- yeah, you have voices, but your masculinity and your availability is what's gonna buy your songs. I can garuntee you wouldn't be this popular if you were a gay band,"_

Harryremembers how Liam had spoken out, asked _"Isn't that homophobic?"_ andbeen met with _"Facts aren't opinions, and only opinions can be considered discriminatory. I've been in the industry long enough to know that's a fact,"_ He remembers the tense air which had flickered convulsively in the room for the rest of the hour, he remembers thinking _I'm gonna drag this down... I'm gonna drag this down and the boys- they don't **deserve**  it._

None of that knowledge, none of that trepidation stopped him, in the end. Harry still loved who he loved, and he couldn't control that.

That didn't mean he couldn't hide it.

So he lived under the shade, for a while, because he didn't want to be burned by his sun. When Louis hugged him, Harry hugged back. He made sure, however, that his fingers didn't tighten too much; that his smile didn't widen too much; that his heart didn't stutter too much.

And, you know what? It worked, temporarily. It worked because Louis called them his ' _brothers, they are,'_ and it worked because Louis tried to set him up with pretty, kind, wonderful girls and it worked because no one said a thing- no one said a damn thing until that night where Niall asked (while they were sitting watching The Dark Night Rises with popcorn and beer and soda littered everywhere) _"Any secrets anyone have? If we're gonna be together forever we have to clear the air,"_

Zayn had barely muttered a response ( _"Are we ki-"_ ) beside him when Harry had interrupted with a, _"knock, knock,"_ and been met with Niall's bemused  _"Okay, random. Who's there?"_

He'd smiled nervously, and then said  _"The pan,"_ Louis and Liam had groaned, both probably thinking the punchline was something stupid, but when Niall had asked _"The Pan, who?" a_ nd Harry had replied with _"The Pansexual Teen,"_ no-one was groaning and everyone was staring and suddenly he had been engulfed in a pile of _boy_ and _okay_ and _acceptance._

The next day, Louis had been called in to the studio. As he was tying his shoes and the others sat at the kitchen table he'd said _"I'm bisexual, by the way. Who'd a thought there would be two queer members in a 'straight' boyband?"_ The others had stared (again), and the Harry and them had stood up, repeating the hug form the last day with exactly the same amount of passion. And if Harry had held onto Louis a bit longer then neccassary, no-one said a word.

Harry's love as a friend started to bleed through, though, becoming slowly discernible as the love of a _lover._ Hissmile and amusement grew quieter when _'Larry Stylinson'_ was laughed off, his voice went silent when Louis' hand carded through his curls just for lack of nothing else to do, his cheeks tinted rouge while his eyes  cast to the ground in a display of embarrassment and denial and _sadness_ when asked if he had a crush on anyone, when asked who he'd date out of the boys if he had to choose.

Because they would crash, if Harry didn't deny it. If they went somewhere- if something happened with them- then they would catch fire when they were highest in the air and there would be no-one rooting for them, no-one searching for them frantically when they finally hit the forest floor broken and bruised. There would be no-one, because the world wanted _straight_ and _masculine_ and _not different,_ it didn't want _fairies_ or _faggots_ or _People-Who-Can't-Bloody-Make-Up-Their-Goddamned-Minds._

Despite everything, Louis saw him. Despite Harry's efforts to hide and act normal and be _cool,_ be _not suspicious,_ he saw.

Or, when Harry now thinks of it, maybe he never did. Maybe he was willing enough to mess up what they already were on a _maybe_ that he let himself tilt his head to the side one day (when Harry lay right next to him in a darkened room, both boys silent and previously still) and let their lips meet, pausing just before as if to ask _'Is this okay?'_ And only making the final move when Harry nodded, a silent _'Yeah."_

The kiss was mist in a cavern- it was perfect in a way that it was messy, the angle slightly wrong so that their heads kept bumping. It was dangerous, as well, both boys aware that, yes, they would have their friends and their families and  some fans with them if they did this, but there would be management and the other fans and half the world against them.

Harry had said as much, separating and saying _"Lou, this is- we can't,_ _"_ between, quiet, panted breaths.

 _"We can't, or we shouldn't?"_ His eyes had held a burning _something_ , something strong and loving and powerful, _"Harry, we **can't**  let management rule our lives. If you want this, and I want this, shouldn't it be enough?"_

_"It is- it's enough. Louis, I've wanted this for ages."_

Louis had smiled, both with defiance and fondness mixed together, and tilted forwards so that their heads met, _"Then don't worry, 'cause I got you and you got me. Don't think about weeks from now, think about **now**. Think about this second, this minute, here, with me."_

And Harry had nodded, again, and he'd breathed, hyper-aware that their breaths were mingling and that Louis was _right there._ Then, Harry had kissed him, and it felt like the sun.

It was only a moment, anyways.

 

**Author's Note:**

> There you go. Good, bad, horrible? Please take some time to drop a comment or kudos or something, would definitely mean a ton.
> 
> Also, open for prompts! And keep your eye out, I got a Zarry fic and update for BSTM coming up.


End file.
